-The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
-When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
-Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson
-What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
-"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams
-Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
-Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory
-How many roads must a man drive down before he admits he's lost?
- He who laughs last didn't get it.
-After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
-Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film
-Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
-Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
-Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
-How do you get a Kleenex to dance? Put a little boogy in it!
-At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?
-Why is it that when someone tells you that there’s billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there’s wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?
-How can there be self-help “groups”?
-Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
-When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
-I thought about how mothers feed babies with tiny spoons and forks. So, do Asian mothers use toothpicks?
-Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
-If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
-If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
-If toast always lands butterside down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast to a cat's back and dropped it?
-If you choke a smurf, what color will it turn?
-Why is is that you continually go back to the fridge or cabinet in hope that something new will be there?
-Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
-If superman was so smart why were his underpants on the outside?
-If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
-Why is everything sent by ship called "cargo" and everything sent by car is called "shipment"?
-If a fat man falls in the forest, do the trees laugh?
-What hair color do bald people put on their driver's license?
-There are three girls going to a water park for the day. One is brunette, one is a redhead and the last is a blonde. When they get to the park, they see a Magic Wishing Slide. They decide to give it a go. The brunette is the first to go down the slide. She yells 'Monneeeeeeeey!!!'. When she shoots out of the end of the slide, she lands in a pool of money. The redhead is next. She slides down andyells 'Choooooocolaaaaaate!!!'. When she shoots out of the end, she landed in a pool of chocolate. The blonde slides down screaming 'WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!'. When she shoots out of the end, she lands in a pool of...well yeah.
-A blonde girl decides to do a puzzle so she grabs the puzzle and pours out all the pieces and tries to put it together....After a while of trying she gets frustrated and calls her boyfriend...Her boyfriend says: Honey whats wrong? The Blonde says: Im trying to put this puzzle together but I can't do it. Her boyfriend says: Well look at the picture in the front and tell me what it looks like. The blonde says: Okay... well the background is blue and there is a tiger on it. Her boyfriend says: Honey... put the frosted flakes back in the box.
-Do you know how to tell if you're staying in a redneck hotel? When you call the front desk saying I've got a leak in the sink and the front desk person says go ahead.
-A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.” “My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
There you have it. Hope those made you laugh. I did :)
Luv to all, Elizabeth :)
Verse of the Day- "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
Quote of the Day- The boys that are worth it are the ones you don't have to try around; they love you for you.
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